This particular incident occurred between me and a close friend of mine, K. Both of us are leaders in a percussion group. Part of our duty is to teach the members how to play certain sequences or songs. The previous weekend, I taught at the practice session while K was in Kuala Lumpur.
A few days later, we were together in the studio when one of the members, J, reflected to K, saying “Hey, did you know that Yong Qiang asked us to write down a sequence using that technical counting method? I think none of the other members understood what he said *lor”, attempting to make a joke out of it.
Reacting, K shouted across to me, asking “Why did you teach them that?! It will only be a waste of time! I think the only person in our group who documents a sequence in such a manner is only you!!!”
I was irked. “I’m not going to talk to you about this”, I said in a dejected manner. K further shouted, “Why are you reacting like this? J is providing constructive feedback. As a leader, you should take it positively!” I wanted to rebut, but changed my mind as I knew that doing so would turn the conversation into an argument. As such, I brought myself a distance further away from them and sat down to think through the things that he said.
After about five minutes, with well-constructed thoughts, I approached both K and J. I explained that my focus was not to teach the technical information but primarily for the members to write down the sequence in order, lest they forget. This helped to clear up the misunderstanding. I also elaborated on the teaching structure for that weekend and how I felt I had taught to the best of my ability and helped overcome the problems faced by the members. When K tried to interrupt, I urged him to let me finish speaking before he responded.
I felt that K did not understand the full picture before giving his opinions. Explaining my point of view to him helped to clear up the preconceived ideas he had of me. Although K was right that I should receive feedback positively, the strong and assertive tone he used in putting across his words had instead upset me. This reinforces the statement that it is not what you say, but how you say it that matters.
J should also have channeled his feedback to me directly, rather than to another person. This would definitely have had a more positive effect on me.
Reflecting on this incident, I realized that my immediate responses to such adverse situations are uncontrolled and it portrays a side of me that is reacting negatively to the speaker. There is usually a delay before I can control my emotions and manage my thoughts. This is a weakness which I have to constantly improve on because my emotional capacity will definitely be tested in the future.
Now for the question: How well do you think that you will handle your emotions and not let them fly when your close friend is providing constructive feedback to you though in a harsh and assertive tone?
*lor is a slang term used widely in Singapore to assert a statement and usually carries with it a sense of resignation or dismissiveness
I think you dealt with the situation in the right way, not allowing your feelings get the better of you and blowing up the situation even further.
ReplyDeleteI also have a friend who can be quite blunt with her words, so after years of being her friend, I've gotten quite used to it. Many retorts would immediately fly to mind, but I would control myself, keep quiet for a few moments, before replying in a well thought out manner and a calm tone. I have learnt that that is the best way to avoid saying things you regret later. My friend is also learning to put across her thoughts in a less provocative manner, so we're both learning and practising to communicate in a better way.
Hi Yong Qiang,
ReplyDeleteLike you, I would also try to calm down and think before I explain my stand to him. However, I feel that I am unable to do so in some situations, especially one that involves a conflict with a close friend. This could be because I assume that the close friend would be able to understand me well and thus, I would be emotionally affected if such conflicts occur. Moreover, as I tend to speak without thinking sometimes, I will unintentionally say things that I do not mean. This worsens the situation.
After recognising these, I have learned to control my emotions and think before I speak so that such conflict can be resolved easily.
It's fantastic that you are aware of some of your emotional shortcomings- that's the first step to controlling or changing them. Assertive behaviour is very useful in confrontational situations- that means being firm in a friendly way without displaying anger or irritation- easier said than done -I agree- but a quality well=worth developing:))
ReplyDeleteI think I would handle the situation the same way as you did. I would choose not to continue to argue with my close friend as the conversation may turn out to be nasty and affect our relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you chose to walk away has allowed both parties to calm down and think before saying out hurtful words which both might regret.
I feel that K was not controlling his emotions well enough. In the first place, he should not have raised his voice to another leader in front of the members. K should have asked your reasons for doing so before giving his own opinions if he still did not agree with the way you have taught the other members.